I’ve had a rough go of it friendship wise. Well, and family wise. My dad and i have been glued to the hip my entire life, i can soundly say he will always be the greatest best friend i’ll ever have. But as i’ve grown into an adult, my choices, ehh.. haven’t been too cool for the old man. So we’ve drifted apart for several months now. I’ve taken it badly.
Recently, one of my childhood “best” friends was getting married. She wanted me as a bridesmaid and i went through the whole process of being that perfect bridesmaid for her. I looked like none of the other girls she asked to be her wedding. I was the only one with unnatural hair color, tattooed everywhere, and piercings. I kept telling her, its totally cool for me not to be a bridesmaid. I get very uncomfortable in those situations so having an out gave me a little relief. She assured me that she wanted me in her wedding and that if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have asked to begin with. Fast forward to the day before the wedding, she shot me a text message stating the following; “Please dye your hair for tomorrow and take out your piercings! I got you a long jacket to wear for pictures so your tattoos won’t distract and ruin my wedding pictures. Hope its okay! See you tomorrow!”
I didn’t go to the wedding, and i haven’t spoken to her since.
I’m a concealer of all emotions. I’ll get around to crying about something that happened a decade ago. I stopped by my dad’s house to do some laundry and like every visit lately it’s met with arguments and reminders of how i’m not living to my potential. Before he could go in on me anymore, i just started crying. I’m not being dramatic about this sentence either, but i have never cried in front of my dad my entire life. It completely freaked him out. While sobbing like a crazy person, i was telling him about the wedding and how the person i worked so hard to become and the person i’m so happy about being has completely ruined all of my relationships with people and i’m not understanding why. I was one day away from reverting back to the person i hated being.
My dad was furious. Just, pissed alllllllll the way off. At first i thought it was toward me for crying and acting like a maniac, but he was so mad at himself and the people in my life. He gripped my face and with a stern voice said,”that’s not a friend. If i were getting married tomorrow, Kyoko. I swear to you. I would not ask you to change one fucking thing about you. Nothing. You could come with a mohawk, three fucking eyeballs, and a tarantula wearing a bow tie as your date. I love you, how DARE anybody want to change that.”
That’s when i knew i really wasn’t a disappointment to him, and for the first time in months, i could finally breath.
All this time i thought otherwise, and that can really fucking break your heart daily. I’m not the career woman he wanted me to be. Political views we’re on opposite spectrums. Family views, out the window. Religion? It’s laughable. He raised me to be an individual and when he woke up one morning and realized that we were two different people, he got scared. Scared of the unknown of my future. He is so insanely worried that he’ll die and i’ll be this three job adult with unhireable tattoos forever. Even more so, he still can’t understand why i’ve picked this path. No matter how many conversations we have about it.
It’s defeating and exhausting explaining how what i’m doing makes me happy. How being this person that i am right now, is a blessing. I love what i do, and i love the adventure of the unknown. That’s something i get to look forward to every day i wake up with no planned routine. No blueprint handed to me with a timeline that was written from a society that was too scared to ever be unmarried and childless.
Seeing my father, a person who followed that blueprint timeline, defend my choices and who i am gave me the ass kicking i needed to get out of the hole i was digging for myself. I’m not going to be the woman he dreamed of me becoming. But now i know, that also means he doesn’t love me any less for that. Which is something a daughter like me, really needed to hear.
Quick sketch done using Autodesk Sketchbook Pro app on a 13” Wacom Cintiq Companion Hybrid.